As Mrs A got herself killed, God was fast asleep in some hidden corner of another galaxy.
The advent and Christmas month was the highlight of the year. It was a month outshining everything, although incredibly tiring. That was why he had sneaked away for some hours, telling his son Jesus Christ to take care of the family business while he was asleep.
God was dreaming of the good, old days when his son woke him up. Jesus was impatient. He was into his third millenium, but around Christmas he was still as childish as he used to when he was only a couple of centuries old and pagan vikings were drinking blood out of sculls. He was a good boy, but he just couldn’t do a piece of honest work. God was somewhat happy that his son didn’t become a carpenter after all. He loved him though. He was cute.
As he woke up, he got an instant update on what was happening on earth. He got all sorts of information; a girl in India wrote her name for the first time, somewhere a mayor was speaking obsessively about his innocence, a dog ate liver paste in the Netherlands and so forth and a man had just bought a big bottle of gas in order to finish it all. God was alarmed, as the man was Mrs. Lookalike’s brother. Was he really serious? And why had he bought laughter gas?
God zoomed into Mrs. Lookalike’s brother’s part of the world, the part God had made into the icy, unfriendly and remote Scandinavia. It could be this was serious. The man in question had had an unfortunate thing happen when he was going to propose to his princess the other day. And he had a record as he had tried to hang himself some years before. If he did a similar thing today and succeeded, God might need an extra plate and seat for Christmas Dinner. He always invited the year’s newcomers for his son’s birthday. It was a quite cool dinner, usually. The guests were so grateful to be in God’s place and not in his partners. They would laugh, make faces and tell jokes and little Jesus would lie under the table and giggle himself through the whole night. It was fun.
But as he had his attention directed towards Scandinavia, he got another signal in. It looked like his returning customer Mrs. A was getting herself killed by giant turkeys. That was really stupid. How could she possibly get into a situation like that? And Mrs. A that had looked so much forward to Christmas and had even gone to prison for its sake!
God’s way of reasoning was interesting. It was true that in a way he was very, very slow. But as he could jump out of time, do a lot of really slow thinking and then jump into time again just a millisecond after he left – God could be faster than his own shadow.
And this time, God took the trouble to jump out of time and think things through:
Fact A: Mrs. A was getting herself killed. Fact B: She would end up buried under a mountain of giant turkeys and some shelving. Disturbing fact C: Her death would be spectacular and would make headlines.
It was true. He wasn’t at the centre of attention anymore. Oh, those centuries, when he was! How sweet, how delightful! And now, it had reduced like a French stock pot down to Christmas – the 24th of December being the climax. And the thing was, as Mrs. A got herself killed, God would be completely forgotten in the newspapers and it would all be about Mrs. A and her death. That was a difficult one.
God’s statutes made it clear: He was almighty, omnipresent (well, not always to be honest) and fair.
The almightiness thing was an endless source of discussion. Why did God allow his partner to work on God’s creation and so on, when God was almighty and could just out-almighty him?
God felt he was just not getting into that debate anymore. He had a business partner. They had different views on just about everything. But they were partners and had a deal since the dawn of time. God was fair and thus, he couldn’t break the deal. End of discussion and yes, one could get a headache.
But there was another thing here that had to be looked into.
Now that Mrs A was meeting her fate, what was fair? Should she go to his partner in the basement or should she be invited for Christmas dinner? Mrs. A was a returning customer for sure. That counted for her coming to God’s dinner.
But – she was a nuisance too. And Jesus had looked so much forward to the evening.
It was disrespectful to speak of his son as the result of a one night stand. But then – technically speaking it wasn’t totally wrong, if one just excused the language. God was never married to the virgin Mary and their relation was brief. There was no point in timing it, but it could be it wasn’t more than a night or so.
So to be fair, as God had to be, it was disrespectful, but not profoundly wrong to claim his son was the result of a one night stand. But then of course, to the person in question, Jesus, it was extremely wounding and painful. The kid just didn’t deserve it.
God sighed heavily. It was difficult being a parent and frankly, he was no expert.
And then the thing with his son being the laugh of the whole planet. That wasn’t only disrespectful, that was just wrong. Some people would laugh of Jesus, but it was in no way true and fair to say that everybody did.
To summon it all up, Mrs. A was a returning, but sometimes disrespectful customer. When she died at this very moment, she would make headlines on Earth and God would have to allow her to the Christmas dinner that she might ruin. What a mess!
In the meantime, in the cold storage room. Mrs A was receiving the blow from another turkey. She couldn’t feel it, unconscious as she was. Deep down in her brain there was some activity though and a handful of small strings of information sieved out. Somewhere something said «son». And then it said «let me rub this in for you», but that was hopefully due to signal noise and was maybe to be overlooked. But then it continued with «..the whole planet».
Mrs A was harassing God even when unconscious. The woman came straight from hell! From where did she take it? And to think of poor little Jesus and what his Christmas could turn into!
God had had it. He took care to check that his partner wasn’t watching, because what he did now wasn’t entirely fair, but come on, he was a dad and parents aren’t always fair. He held out his hand and the third turkey missed Mrs. A just when it was to hit her, then the next missed her too, then the next and then the rest of them. God just couldn’t stand the thought of having her around when they were finally going to have some fun.
Now it was time to disarm the customer. He made her wake up.
She opened her eyes. She was wounded, but she was saved and surrounded by fresh turkey. She looked up and God was there. They looked at each other for a long, long time and God felt a wave of confidence. He wasn’t taking harassment anymore.
And as she was going to say something that he didn’t want to hear, he decided to show his almightiness once and for all.
From heaven the next, presently still unwritten issue of «European Interior Decoration» came gently falling, like a maple leaf in the fall. It landed softly by her side. On the cover she saw a picture of herself and the kids smiling their broadest smiles. Her house looked terrific and the kids were so chubby and the title read: «Welcome to my Easter Paradise». And then it said: «Inside: Get Mrs. A’s very own spring lamb recipe!».
She was speechless. Life on earth embraced more than she could imagine. She flew. She saw the planet from up there – and people were preparing for the holidays. A girl in India wrote her name for the second time, a mayor yelled that he was innocent, but nobody listened – and somewhere Mrs. Lookalike’s brother was nearly laughing himself to death, but not quite, unfortunately.
The doors to the drive outside swung open and it was the fire brigade that came to her rescue. And as she was carried out clutching the magazine and a turkey she felt a pang of gratefulness.
Ah, humanity! Ah, civilisation! The way humans help out when others are in trouble! Empathy, the main building stone of society!
Ah, what a God that created mankind! And what a fine Son! He sure wasn’t much of a carpenter, but maybe one day, he would make it!
And she was grateful as she was lain on a stretcher and given a pain killer. She looked at her earthly saviours and she wanted to speak, she wanted to tell and she wanted to share. Her heart was full to the brim, but her tongue was bound.
She was saved. She was alive. She had a turkey.
Merry Christmas, she thought.
And God wiped a tear away and was happy too.